I can't wait for the Winter to leave. I long for the Spring. I want to take walks along the beaches in the cool weather, watching the sun set. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to strengthen the bond with my mother, but there are times when I just can't open up to her. She told me about my father, but she didn't have a lot of information about him. She did give me his full name, but she wasn't willing to talk about him with me. I don't know what I will do, if I will even do anything with this information.
Have I mentioned that I am in love? I do have a wonderful person in my life. He holds my heart in his hands, and treats it with the most gentle, caring, loving touch. I will write more about him later.
I decided to disappear for a few weeks. I spent a lot of time driving myself around to different parts of the state, simply to explore what I consider to be other worlds. Seeing places that I've never been before in my own state is enlightening. I wanted to get away from the idea of "family," simply because mine is so dysfunctional 99% of the time.
I noticed on my little self-made localized vacation, that I tended to stop at a lot of old cemetaries. You know, the ones with gravestones so old that you can barely read the years on them. I'd stop and sit in front of the ones I found interesting and would find myself trying to imagine what kind of life they led based on their age and if there was some sort of phrase engraved into it (which wasn't very often). It allowed me to escape and really use my imagination again, which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time.
For once, I can truly say, "There's no place like home."
Words can feel like shards of glass from the houses where the stones were thrown. Three years thrown into the barrel where the sound of the single shot makes my ears ring for days.
Sometimes I think he doesn't realize the things he says will destroy me like they do.
I went shopping with my biomom this morning. Since I've met her, we've spent a lot of time doing that. Maybe because we are still in that odd phase of 'getting to know each other.' It's almost as though we don't know what else to do when in each other's company. I think it's mostly my fault. I haven't learned to open up to her completely and I'm terrified that I never will. I think that's because I still feel somewhat abandoned and that I still have my adopted family, who I consider my real family. I still call her by her first name and I think that bothers her too. But she can't expect anything more from me.
Even though I haven't made any LiveJournal friends yet who would be reading this and because my old entries discussing this are still private, I should explain a little for when I do make some. This will be the short version, because I'm weary of making any really detailed posts concerning this part of my life. I started this journal a couple of weeks after I finally met my biological mother. I was put up for adoption as an infant and I guess I was adopted by my family pretty quick. I found out when I was 12 that I was adopted because I was at school and my parents picked me up early to go out to eat. I guess through that whole lunch at Friendly's I knew something was up. I knew they had to tell me something. When they did, I just shut them out for a long time. I started rebelling and getting in trouble all the time. I look back at myself and I guess that was my way of dealing with things. I went through a stage in my teenage years where I drank myself silly every weekend behind my parents' backs. I'm mad at myself for doing those things, but I learned from those mistakes. When I turned 18, I decided I wanted to find my real mother, but all the files were closed concerning it because when she gave me up, she told them that she didn't want me to contact her when I got older. She was only 14 when she had me, so those were her parents' wishes. It took me till a couple weeks after my 22nd birthday to find her, which is a whole other complicated story. I found out she was still living in Connecticut, which made things a lot easier. I called her and she agreed to meet me at Friendly's... the same one where I first found out I was adopted. We've only spent time together about once a month since I met her that day but like I said, I think that's my fault for feeling like I'm betraying the family who raised me. She says she understands and hopefully I'll stop being such a baby and move on and allow myself to know that half of me. (I don't know if I want to know the other half, my biological father, so I haven't even talked to my biomom about that yet.)
I stopped writing in this journal in July of 2004 because I moved to another for my private thoughts. I've decided to come back and use this one for public posts and community use because I don't want my new private journal known. I will not be unlocking any of my private posts in here because that's what they are, private. I'm a very private person. I've deleted quite a few of the old entries because they are entries that just aren't me anymore. I'm thinking about deleting all of the other old ones in here and transferring them to the new blog. But I'm not sure.